What's the Risk?

"I've never been much of a leader. I'm more of a follower," he said.

"Huh. What might happen if you stepped into leading here?"

"I'd make a mistake. I'd waste time. I'd lose money."

"Huh. What else might happen... what might you get?"

"Some freedom. Doing what I want to do... something I'm passionate about."

"Huh. So, it sounds like you've set your life up so that by not taking the risk of a mistake or wasting time you don't ever lead and get what you really want... freedom and passion."

"Hmm."

"How's that working for you?"

"It's not."

"So, are you willing to take the risk of leading, of making a mistake or wasting time or losing money to get what you really want?"

"Well, yeah. I think so."

"I'll take that as a no. You'll know it's a yes when it comes clearly as "YES" from your gut and your heart. Anything else is a no."

"Thanks. Yes. I'm willing to take the risk."

"Great. What would support for you look like?"

And, on it goes...

Grab a Beer?

Close your eyes for a moment and get in the helicopter with me. We'll only go up a couple hundred feet and just hover there.

Now, imagine that you can look back and see that you are in fact still right where you are... and that you are able to look down on your life from the helicopter view. What's going on? Are you someone you'd want to have a beer with after work? How about someone you'd want to confide in? Go take a hike with? Seek advice from? What do you think of you?

When we're able to get honest about how we are judging or assessing ourselves, the door opens to accept ourselves right where we are. This is the truth of this moment... and it won't always be this way. It also opens the door to learn from those inner critical messages that we berate ourselves with... the "you're really not all that good..." and the like. We all have some version of this and it is in when we detach and take an outside view that we are able to recognize it as simply the critical voice inside.

In any event... maybe today is a good day to go grab a beer with yourself... or an ice tea... and have a little heart to heart.

Time for Some Kick-Ass?

My goal as a facilitator is to meet the group where they are at and create a space for them to get what they want. Simple. And, I like simple.

There is a subtle complexity though which is interesting and challenging. How much structure should I bring? Should I bring a “hard edge” style or a softer, more welcoming and accepting edge? I can do the hard edge… short abbreviated sentences, clear instructions, little story or emotion, just the facts. And, I can do the soft edge… let the stories unfold a bit, embrace emotion, lead from a step behind yet still lead, keep a light grip on what is coming up and where the group wants to go.

I am noticing that many groups today are desiring the softer edge. In a rapidly changing and unsettled world environment, the soft edge seems to provide a refuge, a place of comfort, a sense of support. Not a free-for-all touchy feely love fest, yet a space that says “come inside for a time… it’s pretty tough out there right now.”

It makes me wonder about how this might translate to leadership in the workplace. Is it time for kick-ass… or is it time to take a breath and recognize that we are people first and we all have fears about what’s lurking just over the horizon?

How are you showing up with your people right now? What would support look like… for them? Have you asked recently?

Happy All The Time

I own my judgment around those who pursue happiness… to me it seems hedonistic, narcissistic, and addictive… take a happy pill, get an adrenaline rush, live like it’s forever Saturday night and life is a party. So, when a friend suggested I read a book titled, “What Happy People Know”* I scoffed. He laughed. And then I read it.

My cynical critic was online as I cracked the first chapters. The author talked about evolution like it was scientific fact and made all kinds of unsupported assertions about the human condition... it was easy to put the book into the category of “feel good fluff.” I kept reading.

And then he began to explore the biological and biochemical realities of our brain structure and system, quoting legitimate research on emotional responses and brain chemistry. I was hooked.

Two quotes resonated:

“Contemporary fear almost always fits into one of two categories: fear of not having enough and fear of not being enough. Having enough and being enough are the two factors that best ensure survival in the modern world, so fears about them are rooted to the core of the neurological fear system. They’re as deep as the fear of death...”

“…The antidote for fear is love… And the purest form of love is appreciation.”

So, he had me. He scientifically described a condition that I have long suspected… that fear and love cannot occur simultaneously. And that the surest way to move from fear is to appreciate. And when we appreciate, we are tapping into the joy of who we are and who we were created to be. And that makes me happy.


*Dan Baker, PhD, “What Happy People Know” New York: St. Martins Press. 2003

You Did What?

So, my mom calls the other day to share her latest adventure. Turns out there was a little party store in her town in the desert that was for sale. She had known about it for months and it had been like a little a pot of soup cooking... she'd been playing with the idea, adding a little salt, pondering on how it might fit into her life and what she wanted, letting it simmer. And then, she bought it.

What?

Now, I won't give you my mom's age, but you can approximate based on the fact that I'm 50. So, what is she doing buying a store?!? That rents bounce houses and sells pinatas?!?

Well, maybe she's acting on purpose. She knows who she is and who she's not. She's not the grandma ready to sit in the rocking chair. She's vibrant, alive. She desires to be connected with people. And who better to connect with than people throwing a party?

Recently she was reminiscing about the parties we used to throw when I was a kid. Fourth of July was the big event, but there were also halloween parties and pool parties, political parties, and just about any other excuse for a party... even the "Wizard of Oz on our new Color TV Party". I wonder now if she was thinking of the party store when she was reminiscing?

In any event, it's worthy of a post because it begs the question...

How are you acting... and living... on purpose?

Appreciation Appreciates

The morning had gone well. There had been some difficult issues to debrief and plenty of good generative discussion as well, but the energy wasn't quite where I wanted it to be for the closing.

I almost always close by moving into a place of appreciation. What I've learned is that all of the worries about the future tend to take a back seat when we are appreciating what we have... as opposed to worrying about what we don't have. It's like when I'm walking on the beach with a friend... we can look toward the shore and the bazillion dollar McMansions and feel bad about what we don't have... or we can look toward the sea... and the waves, clouds and breeze... and reflect on the beauty and the splendor of what we do have. So, I chose appreciation as a way to end the retreat.

Because, at the end of the day, what we appreciate appreciates. It gains value. It gets bigger. It becomes something more.

So the group began to appreciate. One another. Their successes. Their challenges as an opportunity to grow. Their history. Their future. And you know what, the energy shifted and the group grew bigger. Stronger. More alive.

What is it that you appreciate today?

I can't see it

"But I can't see what that would look like!"

You're right! You can't see the future. All you can do is make up a story of what you think the future will hold. And, in my case, I often make up the wrong story.

I've had the pleasure of climbing some big mountains over the years. One of the things I've come to appreciate is that while you can often see the summit from the trailhead, you can NEVER see the whole trail. And, there is almost always a surprise. I'm thinking of the keyhole on Long's Peak... the hidden notch on Mount Powell... the needles on Whitney... a moment that can't be seen from the trailhead and the only way to experience it is to get your feet on the trail!

So, I'm with a guy the other day and he says "I can't see what it will look like 6 months from now." And, I said, "Of course! All you can do is put your foot on the trail today. What would that look like? What is the risk of stepping forward?"

Onward!

V

Letting Go

I have this great poem called “Transitions” that talks about how the trapezist must let go of the one trapeze in order to grab onto the next. And, in between, there is a moment where they are holding onto neither but instead flying through air. It’s the same in rock climbing. Often, you have to let go of one hand or foothold and commit to the forward movement in order to reach the next. There’s also the story of the Spanish Explorer who burnt the ships in the harbor once they reached the new world. There was no going back… only forward.

What is it about letting go?

Letting go of long held beliefs or desires. Vigorously staked out positions on an issue. Letting go of what we wanted it to be and embracing what is. I think it is about grieving what isn’t, or hasn’t, or didn’t, or couldn’t. It’s not about fixing a blame or needing to be right… I think it’s about accepting what is and choosing the next step. Because, in the end, every step we take is a choice. And, that choice can be driven by the past or the things we haven’t yet let go of, or it can be driven by the present, and the maturity in which we live in this moment.

A bit esoteric today. Just spent a couple hours surfing with my best friend from college. Reflecting on a 30-year friendship is cool.

So, what do you want to let go of, or accept?

BUSTED

A while ago I was speaking at a retreat for couples, sharing some clean communication skills and how to clear issues. Only, the issues they were bringing up in practice were, well, bland at best. Nothing juicy. And, I like juicy. I mean, if we’re going to work, let’s WORK!

So, I asked if one of the women would come up front and role play with me. I’ll be the husband coming in from work and have an issue, I said. She said, okay.

And, off I went. Only, I kept going. What was supposed to be a role play all of a sudden was waaaaay tooooo real. I was having a ball! My dark little internal predator was out to play and we were letting this poor woman have it!

She was a little shocked. And then, the other women in the audience came to her defense. “What was that?!?” they cried. I took a step back and breathed.

“You weren’t clearing an issue… you were on the attack!”

The men came to my defense. “What’s the problem?” they said. And the room erupted.

Finally, I was able to restore order and get a word in. “Okay. I’ll own that I was on an emotional roll. There was more going on than just this moment. And, I’ll ask everyone to own your judgments of the scene as just your judgments. I’ll own my part. You own your part, okay? And now... everyone breathe.”

So, here’s the deal. In a nano-second, some old emotional baggage found a crack and leaked out. My internal predator was driving my bus. So, instead of clearing an issue and talking about the emotions involved, my emotions were driving the bus in that moment. It's the difference between "being in" my emotions versus "talking about" my emotional experience.

When I stepped back to breathe, I was able to ask myself “What’s really going on here?” and own it and bring it out into the light. No defensiveness, just curiosity.

Later in the session, we all had a good laugh about how our emotions can sometimes drive the bus. A teachable moment indeed.

The View from Down Under

In coaching we invite you to "step outside of yourself" and take a detached viewpoint on your life. It's usually an effective way to gain clarity on what's really going on.

Flying halfway around the planet is another way to step out. The view from 7,500 miles looking back on my world is quite different than when I am living in it. I saw a billboard that says... "No leave. No life." So, perhaps this is what "leave"... or vacation... is about: stepping out and giving space to become an observer of my own life.

So, what am I seeing?

Well, it's a mixed bag. I see lots of gratitude, and some sadness. Gratitude for the opportunity to travel, to engage with friends in different cultures, to be alive and able to play and enjoy life. And, sadness... that life hasn't turned out according to the script that was written many years ago... looking at the ways "playing it safe" has trumped exposing a vulnerability or deeper truth. I see a guy with a strong inner critical voice that says "quit feeling so much and just live..." I see a guy that wants to connect in meaningful ways.

So, step out, friends. What would an observer see in your life?

G'Day Mate

It's true that I can be a surly traveller. First to put on headsets and open a book when I sit down on an airplane. Don't get me wrong here... I'm appropriately polite to all service staff... flight attendants, desk clerks and the like... but don't expect to see me chattin up the folks in the bar.

So, I'm in Australia and everyone knows that Australian's are nice. So, I've decided to try something different. Being nice. Hmm. It works out okay. A friendly chat with an old local and a kid from Jersey (a sovereign island in the English Channel.. who knew?)in the bar last night. Friendly banter in the water surfing this morning.

I'm wondering if we were told that the French were nice would we be nicer when in Paris? I'm wondering how the world would be different if we were just pleasant with one another... less concerned with how someone might talk my ear off on an airplane, or challenge me with differing thoughts or perspectives, or?

What will choosing authentic pleasantness look like today?

Who has the power here?

Like many others, I sometimes “give away power” in my life. I give away the power to approve me, to validate or affirm my skills, ambitions, desires, dreams. I give away the power to define who I am and what it is that I will do with this life.

Over the years, I have cast different players into the power position. Who they are is less important to me than recognizing that they exist. So, the question for me is often, “who has the power here?”

When I am holding the power, I live in a place of self-definition, of being true to who I was created and wired to be, to the gifts and talents I’ve been given and that have been nurtured through years of success and challenge. When I give away the power, my gaze is on someone else, some other person that I have granted an extraordinary power to define me. Hmm.

The other day, I was speaking with a person I respect about an opportunity that is in front of me. My radar was on high alert because the conversation was invariably going to open up an old wound and remind me of a season in my life where I gave away much of the power to define myself. I asked the guy if he thought the events of that time would preclude me from consideration in this new opportunity. His response puzzled me.

“Well, that’s up to you,” he said.

I didn’t challenge him in the moment, but I listened carefully to his words. “It’s up to me?” It didn't make sense. Hmm.

After a couple days of reflection I began to understand. You see, the deal with giving away power is that it’s all going on inside of me. Not those I’ve given the power to. So, taking back the power to stand and live in the truth of being me is simply a choice that I alone can make. “It’s up to you” makes all the sense in the world.

Act 2 Scene 42: VP from Corporate

The characters: Business unit executive with direct reports and the VP from corporate…

The scene: VP requests meeting with detailed progress reports from executive and the individual team members. At the meeting, VP is holding a report that no members of the team have seen, asking pointed and specific questions about data that the team was not prepared to answer. One team member admits that they have not focused on the area that the VP is drilling on. Meeting ends silently.

How might they have handled the situation differently?

In the debrief, we laid out the data above plus the story and emotions. The Team sensed that the VP was on a hunt and they were trapped. It was apparent that the VP was acting out of his own stress behaviors… someone had apparently hammered on him about an unrealistic new revenue target to which he had committed, and he was hammering on the team. Fear and anger were rising. Team members were fearful of where it was headed as other layoffs have occurred. Executive was angry that the team was blindsided. The meeting ended with unresolved direction and high tension.

"Huh. Isn’t that interesting?” So, when the group noticed their own emotions coming up… both fear and anger… they might have said…

“I notice that you seem to be focusing on an area that we are unprepared for, and that you don’t really want to talk about the prepared progress reports. What is it that you really want to talk about? What is it that you really want?"

By refocusing the discussion on what it is the VP really wanted, the team may have been able to give the VP a win without losing much. The win would have been getting him the space to clearly state what he wanted and to be heard by the team. My guess is the “real want” in this was some assurances around an unrealistic target. In the process, he may have owned his own fear or anger and gotten to the truth of his own concern that the unrealistic revenue target was indeed unrealistic.

What do you think?

Where are the Dolphins?

What is it about dolphins playing near the shore that lifts our spirits? I don’t care how bad it is, seeing the dolphins ALWAYS makes things a bit better. My sense is that it is impossible to see the dolphins and not feel joy. And, when we’re feeling joy, we’re not feeling anger, sadness, or fear!

Being confronted with the beauty of nature… the simple pleasure of three dolphins surfing a wave, or playfully breaching, or just slowly cruising by in their daily food run… somehow resets the system for me. It puts me in right relationship with everything. It reconnects me and lifts me out of the morass and says all is well… even when it is difficult.

The dolphins remind me that joy comes when we look outside ourselves and become appreciative. It’s the simple gesture of reaching out to comfort or celebrate another person, reflecting on the divine, taking a deep breath and saying “thanks!’.

What is the Fear?

Let’s face it: Hidden fear is more powerful than disclosed fear. Pastor Rick Warren, the king of acronyms and alliterations, cites fear as “False Evidence Appearing Real.” And, it’s scary stuff.

So, what resonates for you in this picture? The shark cruising the neighborhood looking for a tasty treat… or the surfer who thought he was simply out for an afternoon of fun? Are you more likely to play a role of villain, or victim? Or, would you be the lifeguard hero on the beach coming to save the day?

The interesting thing about fear is what happens to us when we’re gripped by it. Often, we slip into characters… call them dramatic roles … and play out these scripts that we’ve been playing our whole lives… the man afraid of conflict who “goes small”… the woman afraid of being betrayed who turns into an icy cold emotionless villain… the office manager afraid of losing her sense of worth who saves the day by staying until all hours of the night.

The antidote for hidden fear is to bring it into the light. Disclose it. Own it. Step outside of it and ask, “What’s really going on here?”

So, who are you playing right now?

What Advice Do You Have For Them?

We were about to wrap up for the day. It had been a tough morning with difficult issues. Out of left field, one of the members said, “Could we spend a few minutes talking about some tactical steps that we need to figure out? Frankly, we don’t know what we should do!”

We didn't have much time, so I invited the whole group to stand up from the couch and come across to the other side of the room for a huddle and then whispered something like…

“So, there’s this group sitting over there on the couch and they don’t know what to do. What advice do you have for them?”

And, guess what? Immediately, ideas began coming forth. Things began to get un-stuck. “Well, they could just…” and pretty soon everyone was building off of the other ideas. When they wound down, I invited them to take a few steps further away and said…

“Okay, now it’s six months from now. The issue that group on the couch was facing has successfully resolved. Where do you think they are now? What have they learned?”

And we talked some more. More ideas. More creativity. And then, I asked, “So, from this place of successful resolution, what words of encouragement do you have for that group on the couch?”

And, out came the most positive, upbeat, “take no prisoners”, “go get ‘em” remarks imaginable!

Will they be successful? I don’t know. But, they sure got some great support from that group standing on the other side of the room!

Whose Voice Was That?

And then he told me about a spat with his wife the night before. They were visiting one of his construction job sites and his wife had said “Wouldn’t it look better to extend the awning over this whole section?”

He had gone ballistic. “Don’t you know I’ve been working on this design for months and that it is way too late in the process for changes like that?” And on and on. Everyone had retreated into their corners before it was over.

“Huh,” I said. “So, what did you make her comment mean?”

Silence. “Good question. I’ll have to write that down.”

“Well? It sounds like her comment landed in your universe as something more than just her comment. What did it mean to you? What was the message you received?”

“That I’ve fallen short. Didn’t do it right. That I never do things right.”

“Wow. She didn’t say all that. Whose voice was it you heard?”

Silence. “I hate you. It was my dad. I could never do anything right in his eyes.”

“Sounds like you emptied your truck at the wrong dump, huh?”

“Yeah. Thanks. “

“What do you want to have happen now?”

And on it goes…

We've Got Issues

When people ask me what I do, my response back is often, "Well, what are the issues in your life right now?"

Because that's often what I do... create a pathway for identifying and clearing issues... those things that drain energy from our lives. So, if you have no issues, celebrate! But, if you find yourself feeling stuck, or beat up, or unclear, or out of integrity, or notice that you have lied to protect yourself, or hide, or are confused, or emotionally overwhelmed, or angry, or... well, you get the idea.

Too many times I see groups and people embark upon "solutions" before they have clarified "problems". My hope is to get clear on issues and current conditions... both problems and opportunities... then identify what the desired condition looks like... and then get to work on the solutions.

So, the starting question is almost always, "What are the issues that are draining energy from your life right now?" And then, "What is it you want to have happen?"

Onward!

Vince

It’s Not Safe Here!

I was debriefing a meeting that I had attended with another guy and he made the comment, “that meeting was totally unsafe.”

Really? I felt very comfortable in my skin, knew what I was about, had clear boundaries. Wouldn’t have judged it “totally unsafe” as he had. But, it was his judgment. His experience. His emotional response, perhaps. And, he didn’t own it that way. To him, “that meeting was totally unsafe.”

Well, there’s a lot of talk about safe and unsafe people. Or, places where I feel safe. Or groups that are safe. “I don’t feel safe with you” is a common statement in relationship.

But then, is “safe” really a feeling, an emotion? Is it Anger? Sadness? Fear? Joy? Huh. Maybe “safe” isn’t so much an emotion as it is a judgment or an observation about what is going on inside of me. So, a good question to get to the root of it would be, “when I judge that I am unsafe, how am I feeling?”

My guess is that the emotion most often connected to safety is fear. I feel fear when I judge that I am at risk of getting hurt- hurt emotionally or hurt physically. So, the clear statement about the meeting might be, “I felt some fear around the possibility of betrayal or loss at that meeting…” or something like that.

And, if “I am feeling unsafe with you”, I might want to own it as, “When I am with you, I feel fear. I make up a story that I might be betrayed in some way because that has happened before. I know it’s just my story, and it’s my feeling of fear…”

When I can own my emotion… in this case fear… I become empowered then to take action, to set a boundary, to take 100% responsibility for what is happening in my life, to step from victim into maturity and to clarify my want… in short, to be me.

50

Within my circle of friends tomorrow is somewhat late in coming. I’ve been “young” most of my life… graduated from high school at 17, college at 21, married young, executive at 26, CEO at 35, youngest member of my longtime Friday Forum, youngest member of cabinets, boards of directors, and on and on. It’s been easy to play the “young” card most of my life.

And, the calendar pages keep turning! I’m still the youngest in my Friday morning group, still one of the youngest “old men” at the surf point by that name. And yet…


50 may be the new 40… and it is still a worthy benchmark. A moment in time to reflect and recollect.

Thomas Merton, the great contemplative theologian, pondered on “recollecting” ourselves… the time we take to step back, re-group, and re-connect to our greater purposes. Time to get quiet. To grieve that which wants to be grieved and celebrate that which wants to be celebrated. To be present in this moment and all that it has to bring.

As the page turns, I feel content. A few months ago I was sensing a bit of thickness in the waist and put a scale next to the refrigerator… happy to say that it’s holding at 180. I did laps on Mammoth Mountain's Chair 23 the other day and felt playful and alive… back pain is in check. My sense of purpose… what I was created for… has never been more clear. Relationships with my daughters, family, and friends are vibrant, clean. Work is interesting and sometimes surprising.

My desire is to live in the midst of connected family relationships and a worldwide circle of friends… and to fully experience the joys and pain that life brings. To act decisively in alignment with the man I was created to be and the principles and values I hold.

So, that's my check in at 50. What's your check-in today?

Onward!

V

Difficult Conversations

So, I get asked “How do I approach this difficult conversation?” all the time. Might be about…

…reconciling an estranged relationship…
…broaching a taboo or sensitive subject…
…bringing “bad news”…
…confronting toxic behavior…

Yuck. Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked out? Well, they do. But, not without some effort. Here’s the structure that I have found works well.

The underlying principle here is to honor your own emotions without being driven by them. In other words, if you’re angry, go beat up a pillow or run some stairs before engaging in the conversation. If you’re fearful, step into a detached position and ask yourself, “what’s really going on here?” and get clean with the fear. And if you’re sad then cry, and then go do something nice for yourself. Once your own emotional wave has begun to subside, you are ready to engage. And, it’s always respectful to ask for permission… “I’d like to bring up a difficult topic. Is now a good time for you?”

Data: Start with the facts in a very “matter of fact” way. Facts are those things that a video camera could record. It’s evidence in the courtroom. And, data is the only thing where agreement is necessary in a difficult conversation.

Story: Figure out the “story you make up” from the relevant set of facts. We all do this, so just own it. For example, “When you show up late, I make up a story that you think I am un-important.”

Emotion: Share your emotional experience, remembering it is best to be able to talk about your emotions as opposed to being driven by them. “I felt angry, and a little afraid.”

Your Part: Consider how you have contributed to the issue and own it too. For example, “I recognize that I could have been clearer about our expected start time.”

Want: Ask yourself what it is you really want for yourself in this conversation. If you are trying to control someone else, you might first want to consider what fear is driving you into a control position and then consider what it is you really want. Often times, what we really want is to just get something off our chest, or to clear the air because our desire is for a clean and authentic relationship.

No matter how someone receives all of this, it’s all your stuff. You are owning yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your emotions, what you make a set of facts mean, your part in the issue, and what you want. All of those are inarguable. No one can tell you “you don’t feel that way”. Sometimes we call these inarguable truths.

So, this is more than a simple post. Frankly, getting clear on this structure and making it a part of my ongoing communication style has changed my life. If you’d like more writing on the topic, post a comment or send me a note (vince@corsarodevelopment.com) asking for “Staying the Course when Things Get Tough.”

Onward!

V

On Reflection

I was talking with a CEO today. He was sharing how he closed a meeting last week with two of our classic questions…

“What worked well today?”
“What could have been better?”

… and how the folks at the meeting gave him a ration for it. “What did you do with our CEO?” they asked.

Taking a minute to reflect and evaluate sometimes feels awkward. And, it makes us think. It makes us own our experience. It makes us show up. Try it.

The Warrior Move

It’s one thing to miss a summit due to altitude sickness, or not eating well, or dehydration, or suffering mishap and injury, or being turned back by weather. And, it’s another thing to get back on the trail to do it again.

So, when I wrote about altitude sickness and weather turning me back the first two times on Whitney, and only mentioned actually summiting on the third attempt as a passing remark in the post, I took some heat. John wrote,

“…Trying again for the third time when you knew it would be difficult. Overcoming fear when something had already happened twice. Pushing through in a physically painful state but mentally determined to summit. That was the real story. Was it worth it? What did it mean to you personally to be there at that survey cap? More than the one line you gave it. The three of us knew the risk that any one of us could falter and that the success of the group making the summit could be compromised. Each of us was willing to give up the personal achievement goal for the health and safety of the other two. There was a huge dynamic taking place that day among us…”

Indeed.

From a mythical or archetypal viewpoint, summiting with a team is a warrior move. It’s not the sovereign king, or the mystical magician, or the heartbroken lover that stands at the survey cap. It’s the warrior. Clean action deployed with competence and confidence.

Warrior energy brings together skill, desire, passion, and resolve. Clear goals are accepted. Boundaries and rules are honored. Loyalty is given. The clean warrior is neither savage nor victim. The clean warrior is emotionally aware, efficient, effective... and gets the job done.

Altitude Sickness

Altitude sickness doesn’t have a linear cause. You can’t say “ah, he was dehydrated and that’s why he got sick…” Altitude sickness hits when the systems are out of whack. It can hit when you’ve climbed too high too fast. It can hit when you haven’t eaten well. Or slept well. Or hydrated well. Or been too stressed leading into the trip. Or “d”, all of the above, or “e” any of the above. That’s just the way of it.

I’ve been hit with it twice. Once on Colorado’s Longs Peak and once on Mount Whitney a few years ago. Both times, I can see the string of reasons behind it. Stress. Insufficient water. Questionable food choices. Didn’t sleep well the night before. Not enough acclimation. On Longs Peak it didn’t hit until the way back down. On Whitney, it hit fast and hard on the way up and forced me to turn back before reaching the summit.

The only cure for altitude sickness is to drop in elevation. In both cases, once I descended below 12,000 feet I lost symptoms within a few minutes. In both cases, I felt like a new man. On Whitney, if the clock hadn’t been against me I would have resumed the upward march.

What I learned after the Whitney hike is that I had suffered a lower back compression fracture in a surfing accident two weeks before. So, not only were my “systems” out of whack, my structure was compromised. My physical body was not able to perform up to expectations. Two little disks that should have been more or less square on the x-ray were somewhat squashed on one side.

The surfing accident is a whole story in itself. I was at an unfamiliar break- Pacific Beach in San Diego- and while paddling into a wave became concerned that it was too big and that I didn’t have the capability to ride it well. By the time I made the decision to pull back I was too far in and ended up getting “sucked over the falls” and slammed on to the shallow sandy bottom. I knew immediately that things weren’t right and managed to get myself out of the water. I was stunned and disoriented but not enough to warrant medical attention on the spot.

The funny thing with that wave was that I would have likely gone uninjured if I had stayed the course and gone with it- another life lesson. Sometimes the risk or downside of pulling back is more then the downside of riding it out.

In any event, I was injured. I spent a few days recuperating, went to the chiropractor (but didn’t get x-rayed), and took it easy. I had already purchased the permits for Whitney and was organizing about ten other guys for the trip and felt obligated to go ahead with it. By the time hike day came around I was still stiff, had a hard time lifting my right leg, and was in varying degrees of pain most of the time. Off I went.

I did complete the Whitney trip this last year with two good friends. It felt good to close that loop.

When things at home or work start to unravel, systems are out of whack, structure is compromised, perhaps it's time to step back and take stock... "What are the contributing factors here?"

Onward!

V

Accountability

I’ve had a couple of great conversations lately on the subject of accountability and am curious.

To many … “accountability” is something that “I” hold “you” to. In other words, I hold you accountable… for some action or agreement.

Another way to look at accountability is to ask, “Who is it that I hold myself accountable to?” which seems far more accountable!

The idea of accountability is “to account for”… so, as a supervisor or a leader, I might do better to inspire others to hold themselves accountable to me. To account for their actions, their performance, their successes and struggles.

Often times, when we’re talking about new commitments or agreements, we talk about “who will you ask to hold you accountable?” I think the better question is, “who will you hold yourself accountable to?”

What do you think?

What's Showing Up?

Maybe I am unusual, but there are times when I get really curious about how others perceive me, or what they value about me, or what I bring into their life.

I was skiing a while back with a guy and on the chairlift he shared two great questions that he had asked people within his circle as part of an exercise to gain greater understanding of himself. Here they are:

1. What shows up when I come into the room?
2. What was I doing when you have noticed me most energized, or “in the zone”?

I like both of these because they call me as the answerer into a level of observation that is both unusual and profoundly illuminating! Give it a whirl.

Onward!

V

Get your OARRs in the water

20 years ago I attended a course on “graphic facilitation”. What stuck for me was the idea of “OARRs”… as in, the things that need to get back in the water when group performance flags. I’d give credit to the instructors of the course, but I have no idea 20 years later who they are… so please forgive me. Pressing on…

All relationships and all groups have issues. We can hide, ignore, or deny it. Or, we can address them. An issue is anything that drains energy from the relationship or the group. The OARRs acronym provides a simple tool for where to look FIRST to plug the drain and get back on track.

Outcomes: Are we clear on the desired outcomes in this relationship? For this group? Where are we headed? What’s important here? Why are we together? How does this current behavior move us toward our desires?

Agenda: Is there clarity on what we are doing and when? Is the calendar a moving target or an agreed upon plan? How are we doing? Are there competing or unstated agendas?

Rules: Have we clarified guidelines and expected behaviors with one another? For example, have we defined what “on time” looks like? Have we defined “confidentiality”? Are we clear on how we expect to treat one another?

Roles: Is this a one-person-does-all group or relationship? What other roles are defined? What agreements are in place? How are we each taking 100% responsibility for our part in the relationship? Our role in the group?

I could come up with a dozen more questions. The Big Idea here is that too often when groups start to disintegrate we want to find a villain or a scapegoat or someone to blame. Getting our OARRs back in the water gives us a tool to look at the systems and structure that might be contributing to our downfall.

Onward!

V

NOTE: Within 8 hours of posting this, I learned that Dave Sibbett of Grove Consultants International in San Francisco (www.grove.com) was the originator of the OARRs idea. So, thanks Dave!

What's Really Going on Here?

Several weeks ago a friend electronically introduced me to a woman and suggested that we meet for coffee. I called her and left a message. She called me back and left a message. I sent her a note asking if it would be okay to just use email to schedule. She said yes and after a couple rounds we agreed on a date, time, and place. Her confirming note said “let’s remind each other the day before…” which was about two weeks from then.

So, the day before, in between a flight and a dinner meeting, I dropped her a quick note confirming the meeting time for the next day.

I arrived home at midnight to a blistering email from her that my lack of communication in the intervening 10 days was unacceptable and offensive, cold, business like and well short of the target if I was hoping to meet the “woman of my dreams”. Yikes!

Two old tapes immediately began to roll… “Vince, you don’t love well,” and “If a woman is upset, you must have done something wrong.” But then, I stopped. And took a breath.

“What’s really going on here?”

And then, some new tapes began to roll… “Huh. Isn’t it interesting that she has found that my way of communicating doesn’t work for her. Certainly happy to discover that sooner than later!” It was one of those “just because she has said I screwed up doesn’t mean I screwed up…” moments.

The long and short of it is that I sent her a brief note back affirming her desire to connect with a guy who communicates in a certain way, and that my choice was to pass on any effort to “make it right” as she had offered. It wasn’t about her being right and me being wrong, or vice versa.

What’s the learning?

When we notice that the old tapes are beginning to roll… for whatever reason… it’s almost always a good opportunity to stop and take a look at the data. To move from the story we start to make up and the emotion of the moment and instead look at the recordable facts and the inarguable truths. To look for our part in the dynamic. To discover the interesting nugget. To get curious and load up a new tape grounded in maturity and choice.

Onward!

V

Rest

Yikes. I just finished 7 back to back retreats and 1:1 coaching visits in 7 days, including three full days of Colorado bumps, groomers and a little powder. I’m whupped.

“So, Vince, what would rest look like?”

A late morning and coffee in my jammies. Wander a bit on the keyboard. Workout later... perhaps a run on the beach if the weather cooperates. Clean out the moldy fridge and restock. Dinner tonight with a good friend to unpack and debrief.

Thanks for asking!

On Appreciation

I just finished an Executive Team Retreat. I love this group and have been walking with them for a couple of years. I was asking myself, “What is it that I appreciate about this team?”

I appreciate their willingness to go personal. The team has adopted the notion that we’re all just folks and there just isn’t any shame in the rough and tumble realities of life.

I appreciate their willingness to go vulnerable. It’s okay to acknowledge a weakness. It’s okay to say that something isn’t “great”. It’s okay because they are willing to hold themselves accountable- which is far more effective than being held accountable. You know what I mean?

I appreciate their willingness to appreciate. It happens spontaneously.

They’ve done the heavy lifting of building authentic relationships. They know that the sun comes up tomorrow even if an agreement has been broken or results are disappointing. They know that the road to success has setbacks and challenges. They know what they want and are getting it.

Onward!

V

It's Just Dinner

My dad just checked in to a Skilled Nursing Facility last week. He’s been on the decline for about five years. It's a nice place. New. Clean. Engaged staff.

There’s a new facility manager that started the same day. On Friday, I got there while they were serving dinner and the staff member put a typical hospital tray on the table with a "here's your dinner!" and then she went to the next person. On Saturday, I also got there while they were serving dinner and instead of dropping the tray, she unloaded the plates and glasses on to the table and said “they want us to lay everything out now…”

So, the story I’m making up is that the new manager had come forth with a new edict and the frontline was going to (somewhat begrudgingly) comply. They were told what they were to do and they were doing it.

My desire as a leader is to build ownership over compliance. Better that the staff had spent the few minutes to talk about… “What is the atmosphere we desire in the dining room?” “How might we create that?” "What are some other options?" “Are we in agreement?”

When I tell someone what to DO, I might get compliance. When I invite someone to provide leadership toward an agreed upon outcome, a new owner is born.

Onward!

V

The Top Ten Most Annoying Things CEOs Say

I’ve interviewed and coached hundreds of people who don’t sit in the CEO chair. And here are the completely un-scientific results of the CEO behaviors that annoy them most.

1. “It’s true because I said it’s true.” (Sometimes called the “unsupported assertion”)
2. “That sounds just like what we did in 1970…let me tell you about it…” (yawn.)
3. “I am the best damn ____ there ever was!” (Who cares?)
4. “Why don’t you do it this way…” (best way to promote either defensive behavior or employee mindlessness)
5. “I always invite discussion… after I’ve offered my thoughts.” (Everyone knows that discussion ends when the CEO opens their mouth… except CEO’s).
6. “Let’s go to lunch.” (Isn’t it interesting that it’s the same people that go every time?)
7. “I’m sure you meant well, but…” (Just say what’s on your mind)
8. “Hey, got a minute?” (Actually no, because I’m working on an impossible deadline…”)
9. “Wouldn’t it be great if…” (I’m still working on your last great idea…)
10. “So, I think so-and-so is upset about something… could you do a little digging for me…” (Great. Now I get to be the rat. Deal with your own issues!).

I can poke at the CEO underbelly because I’ve been one. And, I also believe that we are all CEO’s of our own lives and within our own circle of influence… so the list really applies to all. What would you add?

And, a good question for all of us might be… “What would a wise CEO say (or do) in this situation?”

Seasons

Like many families, we are navigating the transitions that come with aging parents.

Last week, several of us gathered for a family meeting to discuss my dad’s transition from home into a care center.
He has been on an Alzheimer-like slide for several years and today is almost fully dependent on others for routine care. It isn’t an easy discussion.

My young-adult daughters and their 16-month old cousin were both there, along with my dad’s wife and two of my brothers, plus my younger brother’s wife. I liked the generational involvement. This isn’t something to be kept hushed up for just the “adults”. It’s a family thing.

It’s no surprise that I am sensitive to the emotional experience for each of us. In turns, I felt sad and tender. I felt compassion toward my dad’s wife of 23 years. I felt a certain joy that my daughters were able to contribute and participate. I felt proud of my older brother taking a mature leader posture. I was struck by the lack of discord and the abundance of care and concern.

On the drive home, my daughters and I processed things a bit more. I asked “what came up for you?” in the discussion and was impressed by their awareness and thoughtfulness.

It’s an unfolding story.

I’m Fine

A friend just landed in Mumbai for a month of training to fly for their national airline. He’s been a pilot his whole career but for a technical rule around age he can no longer fly for an American company. But that’s not the story here.

We’re chatting on Skype like we were across town. He’s talking about the masses of humanity living in squalor… like scenes from the current sleeper hit “Slumdog Millionaire…” and about his hotel being in the middle of nowhere, and the company being somewhat less than efficient, and the omnipresent layer of dirt. So, how’s it going? “Fine…” he says.

Well, in my world, “fine” is about as bad as it gets. It’s one of those words that if it means anything, it’s bad. Kind of like “good”... it’s a word that communicates nothing. So, I shifted gears…

“How’s your state of mind right now?”

“Ha! So, you just clicked into work mode!”

Accusation accepted. And, I really wanted to know. I could sense his discomfort.

“Well, I’m apprehensive. I’m unsettled. I don’t know how this is all going to work out.”

Now we’re getting somewhere!

It’s too bad that we’re so conditioned to answer with words that mean nothing. “Good”, “Fine”, “Great”, “Better”, and a dozen others are simply throwaways if you ask me. They’re only worthwhile when you run into someone at the grocery store and don’t want to engage.

If my desire is authenticity in relationships (and it is), perhaps then it is useful to come up with words that actually mean something... “Apprehensive.” “Unsettled.” “Afraid.” “Tender.” “Excited.”

So, How’s it going?

Our deepest Fear

Change is a tricky thing. We say we want it, but there is something that keeps us from doing it.

I was with a management team doing a workshop on change and commitment. Someone said they would like to shed a few pounds (30% of all people in all groups I work with say this, so no one’s identity is at risk here) but haven’t been able to do it.
As we worked through the change process questions, this individual gave me a gem.

When I asked, “What’s at risk for you to change and make a new commitment?”, they said…

“Because if I really made that change, it would shake my belief that I can never change. It would mean that I am better than I think I am. It would mean I wouldn’t be able to use “I can’t change” as an excuse in anything anymore.”

WOW! I was stunned. What a wonderful piece of awareness. It reminded me of the very famous Nelson Mandela quote… “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…” Indeed.

Why Did You Do That?

"Because I thought it would work"
"Because I’m an idiot!"
"Because you didn’t give me the tools I needed to do it differently!"

Defend, defend, defend. That’s what happens when we ask someone… “Why?” And, defending ourselves, or our actions, is good for a low-learning trip into the rat hole. So, what’s the option? How about any of these…

“What did you learn?”
“What options did you consider?
“How might you do it differently next time?”
“How’s that working for you?”

I’m with a CEO these days who is entrenched in the “why?” question.

“Why don’t you work harder?”
“Why didn’t you do it this way?”
“Why are you so emotional?”

In observing his behavior, my sense is that some of the “why?” questions come from the critical voices firing off in his own head. But, I’ll save that for another day.

Suffice it to say that “What?” and “How?” questions tend to lead us to a place of high-learning curiosity. And, that’s good for a trip out of the rat hole.

Onward!

V

What Do You See?

A friend met up with a group of young people who lived in a densely populated urban area and joined them on a visit to a nearby undeveloped island... where grasses and trees and dirt and rocks dotted the landscape.

On their visit, they came upon a small beach area that had been formed where a creek came from the mountain top through the canyons and met the ocean. The beach was littered with driftwood, rocks, some branches and twigs that had been carried down by the seasonal flow of the creek. There were also the remnants from other visitors who had been to the same spot- empty soft drink bottles, food wrappers, a cracked Frisbee and some other man-made debris.

“Do you see this?” my friend asked. “Would you be willing to help clean up this area?” The group willingly complied and set out to the task.

A few minutes later, my friend returned to see what the group had accomplished. There, in the middle of the beach was a growing pile of driftwood, rocks, branches and twigs. And, remaining scattered throughout the area were empty soft drink bottles, food wrappers, and the cracked Frisbee.

Perhaps, a better question may have been, “What do you see?”

It’s interesting to me that two people can witness the same car accident and give different versions of the facts. When I invite someone to share “what do you see?” I am living in a place of curiosity and wonder. I am living in a place of adventure… because you might see things differently than me. And, that’s cool!

Monuments and Stepping Stones

The other day a friend was lamenting the loss of his company three years ago. He had been "#1" in his field and was very well respected. The problem was that the landscape changed, the needs of the marketplace changed, and the need for what his company provided changed.

Things change. We lose things that are dear to us.

He went on to ponder… “It seems to me that sometimes we can use an experience as a stepping stone to something new and better, and other times we make experiences- both good and bad- into monuments that hold our gaze and keep us trapped in “what was...”

After chewing on it a bit more, it became clear that my desire is to create more stepping stones... “What did I learn?” “What worked well?” “What might I do different next time?” Celebrate the accomplishment and grieve the loss if that’s what it was... and move on.

We all get stuck at times gazing at our monuments. I get stuck. “None of us are as good or as bad as our reputations suggest…” comes to mind. And, when we’re stuck, we can ponder on "How might I turn that monument into a stepping stone?".

What do you think?

Clear and Clean?

We’re born with an innate connection between desire and action. We want something and we act to get it. Clear desire (food). Clean action (cry).

So, what changes?

Along the way, we learn things. We feel things. We get hurt. We hear messages and believe them… “you don’t really want that…” or “you really aren’t good enough for that…”. We then learn to do things that appear to avoid the hurt as we seek to get what we want. Then, we learn that we don’t always get what we want, and sometimes that turns into not knowing what we want so that we won’t be hurt and disappointed if we don’t get it. Sound at all familiar?

My sense is that our thoughts (or beliefs, opinions, judgments) and our feelings (anger, sadness, joy, fear) over time begin to cloud the circuit, or the path, between clear desire and clean action. So what we end up with is a confusing mass of false beliefs and unresolved emotions that have been stored up over the years invading the clarity of the present moment. We avoid situations out of fear, we over-react out of past hurts, our short-fused anger bludgeons a loved one over spilt milk, or we delude or medicate ourselves into a Pollyanna sense of perpetual happiness.

So, if it’s working for you, keep it. And, if you’re at a point where it’s not working then… “What do you want to have happen?” and then, “What’s the risk for you to have that happen?”

Because, if there wasn’t a risk involved, then you would have likely gotten it long ago.

When you decide the risks are worth it… ask for help. There is no reason to go it alone… and the simple process of asking for the help of a trusted guide may be just the dose of vulnerability that is needed to begin the journey.

Onward!

V

What would Vince say?

A friend is stepping up to the principal position at a school where she has taught for many years. She’s acutely aware of the wide assortment of dysfunctional and unproductive behaviors in the team and is anxious to jump in.

In a note, she said, “I’ve been thinking, I need Vince to come give an in-service and start the ball rolling in the right direction. Then I remember that I have been to the school of Vince and I have already started the ball rolling.”

Tough for business, but how cool is that?

I’ve talked before about the “LA Times Test”… as in… “Would you want the thing you’re about to do published on the front page?” Now, we’ve got the “Vince Test”… as in… “What would be the next step in moving us to a more authentic and clean relationship?”

I can live with that.

Onward!

V

The Empty Chair

In a small group, an empty chair is a symbol of openness to the possibility of a new member. It can also mean that the group is “holding space” for an absent member.

There is something too about the picture of the empty chair… in a place of incredible beauty… that draws me in… and says… "Come, sit here. Be at home. Rest."

Yesterday, the girls and I had some friends over for brunch at the beach. It was a photo-perfect day of California blue sky sunshine. After everyone left and the dishes were done, I rested in this chair for a bit and simply breathed in the joyful feeling of the moment. The joy of good friends, family, and food. The joy of a brief pause in the midst of all the chaos of life. The joy of creation.

May you find peace and joy in your heart today.

Onward!

V

The Two Hour Vacation

I was filling in for a COO on maternity leave and her staff were complaining about the loss of personal time, fun, playfulness, and enjoyment in their lives. I encouraged them to take a 2-hour vacation. Later, I heard back from their boss that I had told them all to leave work at 3:00pm every day. Oh well. Actually, it would probably improve productivity the rest of the week.

So, what’s your 2-hour vacation?

Try wearing your favorite clothes (nicest, most stylish, comfortable, the ones that make you feel good), to do something recreational (artistic, playful, adventurous, fun, explorational, out-of-the-ordinary) at a place you’ve never been (or at least don’t go to very often), with yourself or those you like to be with.

I was a recreation major back in the day. And, over the years I have buried that under “Executive”, “Director”, “Dad”, and all kinds of other labels in life. What I’ve come to learn is the world needs more people who know how to recreate well! I’ve been practicing the last couple of years, learned a lot, and it’s time to put it out there for the benefit of others.

All of us are worth the good stuff. It is how we connect with our Creator. We are wired to be joyful. Not just happy in the moment, but full of joy no matter what the circumstances. And, as we experience joy, we bring that to the world in ways that serve all.

Our joy comes when we connect to our genius or essence… that moment when we say to ourselves and the world “This is me and it’s good!”… When I was learning how to lead games or construct tournament ladders who knew that what I was really learning was that as we were created joyfully, we can and will be re-created as we experience joy. So, take two hours and get playful. Recreate and bring joy… Joy to the World.

If it’s Working For You… Keep it.

People find me when they want change. When something isn't working. They've tried perhaps, and found that change is hard work. If it wasn’t, they would have changed long ago.

I also find that while we say we want change, there is something about the way things are that serves us. Again, if there wasn't, we would have changed long ago.

Change requires conquering the gravitational pull of "same". Change often comes when we aren't looking, or when everyone around us has stopped telling us to change. It comes when we feel safe enough to embrace what it is we really want and open ourselves up to the possibility that it might really be achievable... that we have the competence, the capacity, the autonomy and the guts frankly, for change to happen.

A friend recently sent me this 60-second video clip. It didn’t surprise me that he did... because he is one of those guys who embraces change and what it means to make the world a better place. I hope it will inspire you to ponder what it is that you are striving for in this world. What is the ultimate difference you will make for having consumed more than your fair share of the resources of our planet?



By the way… defining the difference you want is called VISION. So, a simpler question might be… “What is your vision?”

Onward!

V

When Good People Stay

Something happens in forums, groups, and work teams when we up the game to a higher level of authenticity and clear communication. Toxic people leave. And, other people thrive.

I suppose that’s how we want it. And, in the short run, it can be chaotic and highly charged. Is it okay that these people left?

… the longtimer when cleanly confronted with some controlling behaviors views the confrontation as an attack, and storms out with threats of lawsuits and recriminations…

… the member who “keeps it on the surface” and puts down anyone with shortcomings, in a group that exists to support members through the muck and mire of real life…

…the moody genius, accustomed to all bowing to his emotional whims…

As tough as it is in the moment, the long term results bear out the truth. Toxic people drain energy and reduce productivity of the group. In their own pain they hurt others. Their addictions unduly influence decisions. They rarely accept responsibility for their part.

No one can afford to carry dead weight… let alone tug boats pushing the wrong direction.

Toxic people... those who drain, hurt, and abuse... require professional intervention or the firmest of boundaries. Most groups are not equipped to provide this kind of structure and support, and waste valuable resources trying to accomodate or rescue the individual.

The most productive teams… the ones where good people stay and thrive… are those that share not only a common vision and purpose, but also a commitment to candor and curiosity… an individual willingness to own my part in the system, to speak my truth, and to hold myself accountable for results.

If the level of relational authenticity and interaction is working, then keep it. If not though, the good question might be... So, what do you want to have happen?

Hollywood and Vine

The other night I was camping with a buddy at the intersection of Hollywood and Vine in the Anza Borrego desert. It was a quick one-night turnaround with a couple nice rides on our mountain bikes, a soak at the Agua Caliente Hot Springs, a bottle of wine watching the stars come out and of course a dose of waxing philosophic. Quite enjoyable.

There’s something about getting out and having fun in the desert that brings me closer to me. Maybe it’s the lack of distraction, the warmth, the bigness of the expanse, the simple living. I like it.

I spend a lot of time with people and organizations wanting to get closer to themselves. Closer to their essence. Their genius. That thing that they were created for. Not just what they were created TO DO, but the thing they were CREATED FOR.

Several years ago I was doing some soul searching (what a shock!) and asked a few colleagues “So, what do you think my purpose is?” Brian, a good friend on the east coast, responded back, “Your purpose is to remind us of our purpose.” I liked that.

Finding our essential purpose, our reason for being, our “WHY DO I EXIST?” is one of "The Three Big Questions Everyone Asks Sooner or Later", according to my friend Dave Phillips who wrote the book by that name.

And, I believe one of the ways we connect with our sense of “creation” is through “RE-creation”… or more simply stated… having fun. There’s a lot more to it (perhaps), but just as we were uniquely created, I believe that we reconnect by being re-created… by stripping away the “must-do” list, the entertainments and electronics, and all the other distractions and simply enjoying ourselves. For an organization this might look like celebration or taking a deep breath to reflect and take in the good, as opposed to solely focusing on the challenging.

There’s a lot more to this. Books have been written in fact! But for today… a good question might be “Why do you exist?”

Onward!

V

Permission to Paint

Driving I-5 to San Onofre for an afternoon surf session with a friend stuck in the midst of some marital challenges. Heck. Marital meltdown.

I asked him, “So, before you try to re-connect with your wife, how about if you re-connect with yourself? When do you simply enjoy being you?”

Silence. (Very common. Guys typically don’t have a clue with this one). And then, “You know, I used to love to paint.”

Ah Ha! “Get off the freeway at the next exit!”

Just off the I-5 at Pico in San Clemente is a cool Art Center that sells good quality watercolor materials. We spent under $30 and set him up with a paint board, some nice paper, decent paints, and a selection of brushes. And once again, he was a painter.

A few days later, I got a call. “I just spent a couple hours painting and can’t tell you how good it feels. I know it seems simple, but it feels like… like… somehow taking the few minutes to do something for me opened up some room for me to serve my wife. Thanks.”

Well said.

When Emotion Shows Up Tactical Work Stops

I spend a lot of time coaching people on navigating emotion. And, it always cracks me up when I find myself doing something I teach others to do.

So, last winter, I was in a well-known sporting goods store buying a new pair of ski boots. I had demo’d a pair and was ready to buy. At the cash register, the price rang up as $35 more than the “sticker”. “What’s up with that?” I asked.

“It’s for the special footbed we put in the boot.”

“Huh. That’s interesting, because it wasn’t disclosed that the boot I demo’d was a different price.”

“We’ll take out the footbed then.”

“But that wouldn’t be the boot I demo’d then, would it?”

At this point, the guy launched on me and began a tirade along the lines of me trying to steal something from the store. I noticed my own Italian blood starting to get hot and I took a breath. And then, I followed my own advice… “when emotion shows up… tactical work stops.”

“Huh. I notice that I am starting to feel angry right now and that you seem very agitated to me.”

“You’re damn right I’m agitated! And blah blah blah.”

I stood silently watching him unload. You see, by noticing my own emotion, and then noticing him, I was able to detach and become an observer of the scene. And, I was very clear that I was only going to buy the boots for the listed price, and that the footbeds would be included as demo’d.

Once he had worked himself down, I asked “So, where are we?”

“Alright. You can have them for the listed price.”

Thank you.

Where’d You Learn That?

Glenn is one of those guys who is just fun to be with. I feel special when I am with him. He’s a New Yorker with a flair for good food and a good joke. And, he’s a great skier. He’s also a developer and coach. We were talking the other day.

He says to me, “Just ‘Name the Shame’… You know… the part of you that you think is broken.” Sounds simple.

“I have this sense that I am too self-centered. “

“Oh really? Where’d you learn that?”

Well, that stopped me in my tracks. What a great question! “Where’d you learn that?”

Just try it! Think of something bothersome that you believe about yourself. And then, ponder on where you learned that belief. Because, guess what? It’s probably FALSE. Or at the very least, it’s based on some old paradigm, some old identity, some old stuff. When I look at my old tapes, one of the things I see is times that “taking care of me” landed in my universe as “you’re being self-centered” and worse yet, “you don’t love well.” As I re-frame that today, I can see that taking care of me is what empowers me to fully love others.

When I get hold of where I learned a false belief, I can put it into proper perspective and then choose a new belief. And, I learned that from Glenn.

My Story and I’m Sticking To it

I recently presented the results of an Employee Satisfaction Survey to a 75 member leadership team. 50% of the Managers themselves had responded to the survey. Before presenting any results from the survey, I asked… “What does it mean that 50% of you in this room completed the survey?”

“Those who didn’t respond didn’t think it would make a difference.”
“They were busy with other duties.”
“They didn’t think anything would change as a result.”
“They didn’t care.”

In truth, we don’t know what it means. All we really know... from the data… is that 50% responded. Everything else is only what it means to me! And, that’s my story… or my opinion, my assessment, my judgment.

Important? I think so. The ability to recognize and articulate the difference between DATA… “50% responded”… and STORY… “The others were busy” is the mark of a clean and clear communicator.

You see, data is just data. It’s what a video camera can record. Dragnet’s Joe Friday “Just the facts Ma’am”. It’s the only thing we need agree on in most discussions. And, everything else is my story, my feelings, my desires… my stuff. I can own all my stuff. I can’t own data. So, the mature, effective, clear communicating leader separates data from everything else.

“The facts are that 50% responded. The story I make up from that data is that others didn’t respond for a number of reasons… competing priorities, lack of care, apathy. What are your thoughts?”

What is the story you’re making up from the data in your life?

This Has No Place in the Work Place

Early in a recent retreat, while teaching Clear Talk and Issues Clearing…two tools that are part and parcel of virtually everything I do… a high-powered CEO stated “This is all well and good here at this retreat, but it has no place in the work place.”

My response… “Interesting comment. Are you willing to own that as your opinion… your judgment?”

Ha! “If I were an employee of his, I would have just been fired…” was the story I started to make up. It was clear that he was unaccustomed to being challenged in this way.

Unfortunately, my experience with too many CEO’s is that the “un-owned assertion” is to be viewed as Truth (with a capital “T”) if it comes from their position at the top of the food chain. Hmm. I don’t buy it.

In truth, it was his opinion. And, I respect it as such. Just his opinion at that moment in time. After an initial sputter, he came back with a clear “yes” to my question. We moved on.

Interestingly, he called me three days after the conclusion of the retreat. “I was wrong”, he said. “I came back and first thing Monday morning shared the Issues Clearing Model with my team. It was a hit. Thanks for pushing back and asking me to own my judgment. It gave me the space to become curious and consider a different point of view.”

“I was wrong…” Maybe that’s one reason he’s worth millions.

What judgments do you make that you might want to own as simply your judgments?

Surf's Up, Dude

At the conclusion of a Forum retreat, the Moderator offered to give me a ride to the airport. It gave us a few minutes to casually debrief.

“You know,” he said, “you wear your laid back southern California surfer persona pretty well.”

Yikes! My surfer persona?!? Pray tell.

“It comes up when you feel pressured to perform, perhaps because we were a new group with you, or perhaps because you were afraid we were going somewhere you didn’t want to go. It’s a cool character.”

Now, I teach that mature leaders treasure feedback whenever and wherever they can get it, regardless of how it is delivered. But, this was a challenge. I guess I really am subject to the same stuff as everyone else! When I begin to feel afraid of something, my personas show up. I step into drama. I just hadn’t been introduced quite so clearly to my “surf dude.”

Thanks, I said. I appreciate you noticing that, and more than just noticing, I appreciate you sharing it with me. I began to wonder about what was really going on when surf dude shows up. And with that curiosity I began to step out of drama and into the maturity of simply being me.

Who is showing up on your stage?

The Emotional Journey

My journey these days is often about being quiet, listening in the stillness, and becoming more and more aware of the emotions inside of me. And, sometimes I’m explosive and angry, or playful, and sometimes I am in the pure joy of the moment. A great friend once tried to explain to me that “emotions aren’t linear and will not be figured out…” It’s taken a while for that one to sink in. There is no such thing as a “bad” emotion. I celebrate anytime I feel anything- because it means I’m not severed off at the neck. It means I’m alive.

It’s interesting to me how many people struggle over feeling emotion- and especially feeling anger. We’re taught to be nice, and dutiful, and civil, and all the rest but not really taught how to be angry. And for those who work in ministry or other service the challenge is great- the challenge to find appropriate places and ways to explode and blow off steam. Over the years, I’ve taken to the batting cages as a physical expression of explosion. It’s pretty clean- no one gets hurt. It’s was a necessary starting point for me to connect with what was going on inside amidst all the chaos. Getting in touch with the anger inside and working it out was important to me- because it came out one way or another anyway. My goal now is to stay in touch with however I feel. If I’m down today, then I’ll feel down. If I’m up today, then I’ll feel up. Either way, my desire is to celebrate the moment, feel it, surrender it, and know that I won’t always feel this way.

What emotions do you allow in your life? What emotions do you avoid?

Holding Rope

My good friend Jake knows that the worst moment for me rock climbing is the rappel down. He knows I turn in to a whimpering baby when faced with inching out to the edge of the precipice and resting into the rope. He always set up our climbs so the first thing I had to do was rappel.

So, there I was not too long ago. Playing out my ritual of hugging rock, clinging to the edge, breaking into a sweat trying to take deep breaths and be calm, looking desperately for a way down that would allow me to hold on to control a little bit longer. My hands sweat just thinking about it.

Eventually, the moment came where I eased into the rope, transferring the weight from my control. And, with each step down the side of the rock, my confidence grew, the calm became real. The beauty of the setting became more apparent.

A few minutes later, I was back on the rock, only going up this time. The climb was pretty interesting. A few little surprises, a couple of cool moves. A Holiday Inn ledge halfway up.

But then it was time to release the rock and let Jake lower me down. Another moment to release control. Give up the security of my hold to the insecurity of a rope. Let go of control and place my life in the hands of a friend to hold the rope and lower me down safely to terra firma.

Trusting the rope holder. How thankful I am to have a friend to hold the rope. How thankful I am that we are designed to connect and hold the rope for one another. To live in fellowship, in community. Not in isolation.

Whose rope are you holding today? Who is holding your rope?